I (don't) want to let you (go)
by onlygoodideas
Summary: Years ago, Izuku and Shouto broke up so that Izuku could focus on his career. Tonight, Hero Deku accepts the position of Number One Hero. As he looks out over the crowd, he spots that familiar two-toned hair and- And time has done nothing to dull the longing he feels.


**(A/N): This was originally posted on AO3 for TodoDeku Week 2019 Day 5. The prompt was Confessions.**

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Deku hadn't experienced stage fright in years. It reminded him of the early days of his career, when he had to take the podium in front of a field of flashing lights and microphones shoved into his face. Back then, he'd had to rely on cue cards and his publicity agent standing in the back frantically waving her hands when when he was rambling too much. Nowadays, though, he felt much more comfortable getting in front of people. Except this wasn't an ordinary press conference.

He had just been named #1 Hero. It had taken four years of constant struggling, working long hours, countless interviews, endless community events. He hadn't just had to fight bad guys, he had to win the hearts of the citizens. Finally, he'd displaced Hawks, then Mirio, and finally Endeavor so that he was standing on top. He had so many people to thank for helping him get here, so many friends and teachers and coworkers that had lifted him up.

Now he stood in front of an eager audience at a banquet held in his honor, and he had no idea what to say.

"Um, I wouldn't have made it this far w-without the support of my wonderful mother," he said. "Also the mentorship of All Might, may he rest in peace, was crucial to my development. I-I've had so many amazing people behind me."

He looked out at the crowd. So many of his colleagues were beaming, an endless wave of support. His eyes caught on a patch of red and white hair, the contrasting colors standing out even amidst a crowd as colorful as a group of Pro Heroes. Todoroki was here. A lump formed in Midoriya's throat. He had to swallow hard and forge on with his speech, doing his best to ignore the presence of his ex-boyfriend.

When the speech was over, he was bombarded by a flood of well-wishers. He lost sight of Todoroki, which was probably for the best. His brain tended to short-circuit when he met those eyes.

Towards the end of the night, when he'd made the rounds and told everyone how much their support meant to him, he spotted the man again, leaning against one wall and nursing a drink. Taking a deep breath to calm his nerves, he approached.

"Hey," he called softly.

Todoroki met his eyes, and Midoriya's heart skipped a beat. He'd faced down hordes of villains, but looking into the face of the man he'd once loved shook him to his core.

"Hey," Todoroki replied, nodding.

"Uh, thanks for coming," Midoriya continued. "I wasn't expecting you."

"Why not?" Todoroki asked, face scrunching in confusion.

Midoriya was dying inside. Even after two years apart, everything about Todoroki struck his weak points. He could be so dense and awkward and somehow so adorable and not even know it.

"Just, you know, we don't talk much anymore," Midoriya finally explained lamely.

"Yeah," Todoroki agreed, and maybe Midoriya was just seeing what he wanted to, but he almost sounded sad.

That just twisted the knife in Midoriya's gut. The breakup had been Midoriya's idea, after all. He'd wanted to focus on his career. After All Might's passing, he'd felt the weight of One for All even heavier, the need to protect the world dragging at his shoulders. How could he selfishly take time for a personal relationship, when the world needed him?

"Congratulations, by the way," Todoroki said, interrupting this thoughts. "I haven't had a chance to tell you that personally."

"Thanks," Midoriya replied, then in a sudden burst of courage asked, "Would you like to get some fresh air with me? I'm starting to feel crowded in here."

Todoroki quirked an eyebrow, but nodded his agreement. The two headed out to the balcony, which was empty save for some pigeons pecking at a discarded cocktail shrimp.

They stood in awkward silence for a few moments, looking out over the city. Todoroki was only a few feet away, but it felt like miles. It felt like if Midoriya stretched out his hand, he still wouldn't be able to reach.

Here he was, standing on top of the world, and he'd never felt more alone.

Studying Todoroki out of the corner of his eye, Midoriya thought of how much he missed their time together. Nights spent cooking dinner, the way Todoroki snored after a particularly exhausting day, how they used to argue over whose turn it was to sort the recycling. Now he worked 12 hours a day, came home, ate a quick dinner and collapsed into bed. Everything felt hollow without Shouto by his side.

"I still love you," he whispered.

Todoroki turned to look at him, eyes wide before quickly narrowing into suspicion.

"Why are you telling me this?" he asked.

"I don't know," Midoriya replied, turning away. "I guess I just couldn't resist saying it. I...miss you a lot."

Todoroki studied him for a long moment before asking, "Then why don't we get back together?"

It was Midoriya's turn to be blind-sided. Todoroki had avoided him for months after the break-up, and he'd heard from mutual friends that he'd taken it really hard. Midoriya never would have assumed in his wildest dreams that the man would consider taking him back.

For a few seconds, he allowed himself the blissful thought of what that would be like. Being able to wake up wrapped around each other, calling each other silly pet names over the phone, trying out new restaurants on weekends.

But then he had to come back down to reality.

That could never happen. He still had a duty to the people.

"I'm sorry," Midoriya said. "I shouldn't have brought it up. Forget I said anything."

He pushed himself away from the balcony banister, turning to head back inside. Todoroki reached out and grabbed him, yanking him back around.

"Why not?" he hissed, and his hand was hot around Midoriya's bicep. Not an act of violence, but desperation. Sometimes his Quirk was like that when he was especially worked up. "Izuku, I still have feelings for you, too. Why can't we just be together?"

The lump was back in Midoriya's throat, and it felt like his brain had taken a permanent vacation. All he could do was stare into Todoroki's eyes, see the pain that lingered there. He never should have opened his mouth. All he'd done is cause more harm.

"What's stopping us?" Todoroki breathed, leaning in close. Close enough Midoriya could feel the heat of his breath, a tempest against his skin. How he wanted to close that gap, bridge their mouths and forget the rest of the world.

"I have a duty," he said, taking a step back. "I'm sorry, but I can't-"

"I'm a hero too, you know," Todoroki cut in. "Where do you get this idea that you aren't allowed a relationship? Look out there! There's a room full of heroes, and none of them would ever consider forgoing a relationship so, what, they can work themselves to death instead?"

"Todoroki, I-"

"Call me Shouto. Please. Stop acting like we never meant anything to each other."

Midoriya didn't want to. He was afraid the name would be like ambrosia on the tongue of a starving man. As long as he denied himself, he could pretend he had forgotten the taste, that he didn't desperately crave it.

"Those other heroes don't have the same legacy to uphold as I do," he explained patiently.

"All Might wouldn't have wanted you to burn yourself out."

Midoriya sighed. Of course he knew his mentor would have never wanted him to shun all relationships like this, but Midoriya didn't feel like he had a choice. Deku was responsible for the safety of this nation, and he couldn't afford to slip up.

"You're only human," Todoroki said, bringing his hands up to cup Midoriya's face. "You deserve a life of your own."

Todoroki didn't understand. Midoriya had never told him about One for All, about the weight of tradition he bore. Most people assumed he was merely All Might's protege, especially since Deku's Quirk had morphed into something almost unrecognizable. At the end of the day, though, Deku was still responsible for bearing the torch whether anyone knew it or not.

It would be nice, though, if he didn't have to carry it alone.

"I have a confession to make," he said. "I've been keeping something from you."

It was Todoroki's turn to take a step back, frowning. He waited in silence for Midoriya to explain himself. So with his heart loud as a siren in his ears, Midoriya told him how he met All Might, how he'd gained his powers.

"Underneath it all, I'm just a Quirkless nobody," he said, giving a sad smile. "It's borrowed power I'm using. That's why I owe it to my predecessors to give it my all."

For a few minutes, Todoroki stared at him with narrowed eyes, judging if he was serious or not. After a long moment of assessing, he reached his hand forward and with two fingers flicked Midoriya in the head.

"Ow!" Midoriya squeaked, hand flying up to massage the spot. It hadn't hurt so much as surprised him. "What was that for?"

"For you being an idiot," Todoroki explained. "You know, you really should learn to follow your own advice."

Todoroki reached out and grabbed Midoriya's right hand in both of his.

"You don't owe anyone," Todoroki continued. "Especially not some people long dead. This is your power, Izuku. You get to decide for yourself how to use it."

For a moment, Midoriya was speechless. All he could do was open and close his mouth a couple of times, never looking away from Todoroki's intense gaze. Finally, he began to chuckle.

"Wow, you're really turning that against me, aren't you?" he laughed wryly.

"I'm dead serious. Quit living your life for someone else. All you're going to do is work yourself into an early grave."

Midoriya wanted to rub the back of his head, but Todoroki was still holding tight to his hand with no indication of letting go.

"Look, part of me knows you're right, but that doesn't change the fact that every time I take time for myself, it's ruined by guilt. I can't help but think 'What if there's someone that needs you right now?'" Midoriya explained.

"That makes sense," Todoroki agreed. "I know you, and I know how much you live for other people. So how about this?"

Todoroki stepped in close, wrapping his arms around Midoriya's shoulders, pulling him so they were chest-to-chest. Like that, all he had to do was turn his head to whisper directly in Midoriya's ear.

"There are people out there who need you, and you should help them when you can. But...there are people close to you that need saving, too. Ineed you, Izuku."

Midoriya's arms moved up reflexively, pulling the other man closer, feeling his resolve burn away like a snowball in a frying pan.

All of a sudden, he could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes. Like this, the only words he could manage to get out were: "Shouto. I need you, too."

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**(A/N): if you want to check out the rest of my TodoDeku Week stuff, I'm iwantcandy2 on AO3.**


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